Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The time I ate a bug

Got the goddamn grandkids yesterday. Dummy dropped the off in the morning, said she had to go get her hair and nails done. I was all "Why the fuck can't you take them with you? Get their hair and nails done too." She was having none of that, said if I wanted to pay for it then she would consider it, but she knows goddamn well I'm not paying for anything. Went out for Indian food a few nights ago, got a nice chicken korma and some garlic naan. Half way through the meal I remembered I didn't have any money with me. What else could I do? I waited until I was almost done, then I called the waiter over and told him I found a bug in the korma. He was all "I'm so sorry sir, that is terrible, let me take this away now." I demanded that I get it for free because paying for a bug is just some kind of weird third-world shit, and we don't stand for that here among decent whites. He scurried away like a fucking bug himself. I wiped my chin (hey Punjab Curry Club, cloth fucking napkins, we're not animals here) and stood up to march out of there when out of nowhere the manager stepped in front of me (sneaky bastard). He said I could not leave and that he wanted to see this bug.

I said I ate it. This guy was all "You will need to pay for your dinner. I do not believe there was a bug in your korma so you will not be getting a free meal."

"Really? You want the meal back?" I shouted. I dropped my trousers and started taking a dump right there in the middle of the restaurant. They all started yelling, but nobody stopped me. Pussies.

"Here you go," I said and cut loose a nice juicy wet fart that made everybody gasp and look away in horror, but nothing actually came out. I was just gassy. I took that opportunity to zip up my trousers and sashay the fuck out of there like I just paid for shit. Which I didn't--I paid WITH shit.

So now I'm stuck with these goddamn kids. Dummy never came back for them. I have to keep feeding them cereal because that's all I got. The young one drank my Maalox, which is fucked up because I can feel that korma coming back up on me. She's just rolling around complaining like a bitch. The older one drifted off somewhere, I'm not sure. She's just like her mother. I guess the younger one takes after her father, the drug addict, because he used to roll around on the floor like a bitch too.

In conclusion, family is very important and you should always take care to give your kids good memories.