As you know, I am a single man now that my wife of many years has passed on. "Passed on" is just a euphemism for "walked the fuck out and never came back," but I told the neighbors she died because fuck her, and fuck them too. It's none of their goddamn business what goes on inside this house of horrors, and I don't talk them anyway because of the time I accidentally shit on their lawn. I didn't have a baggie to pick it up with so I went inside to get one, but the tv was on and Cash Cab was on so I stood there watching it for a few minutes before I went back out to clean up my mess, but then I got hungry so I made a sandwich and ate it while standing in the living room watching tv. One thing led to another and I fell asleep on the couch. Next thing I know the neighbor is knocking on the door like a lunatic demanding that I go pick up my poop. Come on, I said, it's not like it's going to get up and walk away. I'm getting to it. Fucking asshole. Just to make my point I left it there for the night and figured I'd clean it up in the morning, but then I looked out and it was gone. I guess that fucker cleaned it up himself. It's his lawn anyway.
As for my late wife, I hope that bitch comes back home. I sold all her shit on ebay and made some decent cash from it. I want to see the look on her face when she opens that closet and find it full of the newspapers and porn I've been hoarding.
Anyway, I was on the bus, on my way to Dollar Dazzlers, because they really do have some good food bargains. I bring a box with me because I stock the fuck up. This nice lady sat down next to me and I said hello, asked her name, but she didn't respond. I was like, "Hey, come on, I'm single, you're single..." and she just stared straight ahead. You gonna be that way, bitch? I fixed her good though. I let out a nice wet juicy fart, the long kind that comes from deep within the bowels. By this time the bus had filled up so there were no other seats for her to go to, so she had to sit there and breath it in. I started laughing and she looked like she was going to vomit. When it was my stop, I stood up and stuck my ass right in her face. I let out quite a but of liquid shit so I know she got a snoutfull.
Anyway, that Hormel canned chili I bought was fucking great. I got a dozen cans of it. I bought a socket wrench set and some copper wire because that shit was a dollar.